Almost everything stated by a co-worker as having occurred ‘literally’ in fact happened figuratively at best, it has emerged.
Systems Analyst Kerry Jones alleged to have ‘literally nearly died’ when a ‘wild animal pounced on her’ as she left for work ‘circa 5am’ in order to avoid ‘apocalyptic levels of traffic‘ in and around the Holt area just this morning – claims which cross examinations at the office later called into doubt.
‘I didn’t witness this morning’s incident, but I was involved when the tea cupboard door ‘almost beheaded her’ shrugged team member, Dan. ‘She’s got a cat which I expect got under her feet as she left at 09:47.’
Cursory analysis of Jones’ social media accounts reveals an improbable frequency of dangerous and extreme scenarios encountered in otherwise normal settings, whilst persons she had apparently ‘had a right go at’ in alleged discourses were unable to remember anything more than trivial weather discussions at the coffee machine.
Continued Dan: As for ‘apocalyptic levels of traffic’, does that mean lots – as in the motorways choking up during the mass exodus prior to a full nuclear exchange? Or does it allude to the number and quality of vehicles crossing the wasteland after a runaway green-house effect has scorched civilisation back to the bottom of the food chain?’.
‘Anyway, she gets on the bloody train, so it’s literally bollocks.’