Lloyd’s downsizes customers


In a move to secure a slice of the domestic financial market not previously targeted, Lloyds is aiming to be the bank of choice for those of ‘diminished stature’.  A spokesman said: ‘We’ve already targeted pounds that are ‘pink’, ‘yuppie’ and ‘downright gullible’.  But nobody has attempted to marginalize and secure this specific vertical market – the ‘Midget Pound’, ‘ he said, although he agreed that as vertical markets go ‘it isn’t very high’.


The initiative involves lowering the ceilings in up to half of Lloyds branches so that those of diminutive size will not be intimidated.  It is thought that the lowered height will also encourage parents to send their children into branches to do their banking, giving Lloyds an early opportunity to: ‘…groom’ potential future customers,’ explained the spokesman before spluttering.  ‘I mean, well not groom exactly, oh shit, you know what I mean. All we want want to do is exploit the little bastards,’ he said.

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Posted: Apr 4th, 2017 by

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