Baby birth weight – who gives a crap?


Scientists from the University of Rochester have concluded that there is a reason for men needing to know the birth weight of random babies within their sphere of influence, principally their own but also including offspring of their siblings, their siblings’ offsprings’ offsprings as well as random sprogs associated with people they happen to work with.  Moreover they believe they are on the brink of understanding the reason, if not the purpose, of this information.

‘We asked women, lots of them,’ said one of the research scientists. ‘They were generally vague about the reason, but research has shown that men who fail to impart the birthweight of friends’ and colleagues’ babies accurately incur a disproportionate amount of wrath from their partners.  Men who don’t recall accurately the birth weight of their own offspring, even after a period measured in years, are often condemned to a lifetime of opprobrium.  The lucky ones are just divorced summarily.’

The researchers have determined that while actual birth weight is rarely, if ever, an indicator of future health, intellectual capability or even potential for getting a paper round, it is obviously very important, in a non-obvious way.

‘Christ, my child was seven before I recalled what gender he was,’ said one of the researchers, adding, ‘I mean “she”.  I think, let me just text the missus to check before you print that statement.’

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Posted: Apr 5th, 2017 by

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