The Grand National(ism): Runner, Riders and Dog Meat

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It’s been a turbulent 12 months in the world of politics since Remain Ahead won the 2016 Grand National, marginally clear of the rest of the field. Sadly, he is now in the glue factory after a fatal fall on 23rd June. So who is in the running this year in the world’s greatest steeplechase? We give you the rundown here. The result will be based on the ‘First Past the Post’, despite recent Steward’s Inquiry involving ‘Libdem Lad’.

 

 

Corbyn’s Run – ever popular outsider with 2 notable victories around his favourite track, but no hope of winning the main prize. Doesn’t like the whip being used. Prefers it heavy. A good jumper….is what he tends to wear most days.

Cameron’s Folly – consistent if unremarkable performer from 2010-2016, but badly misjudged the notorious Referendum hurdle during his last outing in June. Been quiet since and seems unlikely to challenge.

UKIP if you Want To – only knows one way to compete and prone to unpredictable behaviour and unseating of rider. Regular jockey Nigel Farage always struggled to make the weight, despite sweating up constantly.  Shows no sign of being able to influence outcome and seems to still be suffering from knee-jerk issues.  Avoid.

Theresa Might – came to prominence in race 9 months ago when rest of field fell away unexpectedly.  Carrying plenty of weight due to Brexit handicap.  Keep an eye on those legs in the paddock – The Daily Mail will be.

Osborne’s Dream – always looked in strong contention but seems destined to live in the shadow of his stablemate Cameron’s folly.  Last seen drinking from a trough in the Evening Standard Chase.  Over-rated.

The Carswell Switcher – will be wearing traditional blue colours for the first part of the race before switching to yellow and purple, and then finishing in God knows what.

The Real Donald Trump – distinctive mane. comfortable over very short distances (140!yards/characters) but lacks staying power.  Looks to be taking everyone for a ride.

Bojos Mojo – strong connections but has lacked substance in every performance to date. Sweaty upper lip in last outing does not bode well.

Sturgeon’s Delight – likes to go it alone. Promising start but got boxed in by Theresa Might on last outing.  Team preparing her for big race in 2018.

Nuttall’s Knight – outstanding performer on the flat as well as over the jumps, can out-run anything over any distance whilst still servicing mares left right and centre on the way around, and has been ridden by every top jockey over the last 30 years, having bounced back from surviving the Titanic disaster, and rescuing large numbers of fisherman single-horsedly after Hurricanes Sandy and Katrina, according to his own form book, that is.

Gove’s Sniveler – watch out if he is ‘behind’ you.

Putin’s Peril – the original “dark horse”, plenty of speculation as to how he performs, but strangely many of his critics have gone missing.  Unable to run straight, but his weaving style has many fans, especially on Facebook.  A great favourite in the USA, his potential is ‘yuge’.

Kim’s Un’ – very noisy, liable to break things on the way around, and constantly threatening his neighbours. Tendency to explode before the finish.

Farron’s Foresight -An unknown, unlikely to finish.

My Ivanka – A fine young filly from the same stable as The Real Donald Trump.  A cert for best turned-out but could find it tricky to clear Valentine’s due to unwanted attention from her impetuous stallion father

Silvio’s Dream – A late entry from Italy.  Plenty of past glories on the track but surely a mistake to return him to races after a successful stud career.  Colours offer little inspiration

In a Pickles – No recent form and no chance of making the weight. Ignore.

Heseltine’s last hurrah – A late withdrawal from the race for this former King of the Jungle. Always easy to spot in a packed field with his flaming mane and tendency to cause interference from the right, left or centre ground.

Right with Le Pen. A rugged white mare from a traditional lineage. One to watch, as could make a break for it on the far right side. Should really be put down humanely.

Wenger the Stubborn: The oldest horse in the race. Traditionally one of the punters’ favourites, but they seem to have deserted him in recent years. Refuses to give up, even when clearly inferior. Nevertheless, a good each way bet as likely to finish 4th.

Altar Boy – a late entry from the Vatican, often comes from behind, ridden by the Bishop.

The Leicester Fox – A shock 5,000/1 winner last year when all the others bolted. Has since had several outings without impressing. The knacker’s yard surely beckons.

Klippety Klopp – Wins prestigious races all over the country, only to fall on his face against weak opposition in a selling chase at Haydock Park. Some fancy him for an each way bet because he is hard to beat on home turf but most analysts are sceptical.

Sunderland Lady – A perennial underachiever, according to her trainer this mare needs a good slap

David Davis Not Davies – will be wearing blinkers until 2019

Non runners so far: Trade Deal, Term-Time Trip

(hattips to Al O’Pecia, Oxbridge, Sinnick, Rootin Tootin,

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Posted: Apr 8th, 2017 by

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