President Trump has announced to the world’s press that since his missile strikes on Syria three days ago, the US has entered a heightened military state that could even match his own elevated level of arousal, which has not subsided with the lapse of time and a subsequent and not remotely homoerotic bust-up with his former bromance partner Vladimir Putin.
Fortuitously covered by his podium, Mr. Trump insisted that he was experiencing his first tumescence since the financial crisis of 2008 and that this was all due to the excitement of being able to press the Big Red Button and ‘play in the Bat Cave’.
Up until now, Trump had been reticent about his role as President. Indeed, he had been admitting privately to being listless and unable to perform any of his usual favourite sexual acts involving three pints of urine and a Russian-sponsored prostitute. Yet firing dozens of cruise missiles at Shayrat airfield has put an undeniable spring in his step and a bulging surprise in his knickerbockers. As he tiny little fingers strained themselves over the 4o seconds of attention needed to punch in the codes, an engorged President is reported to have shouted ‘Here they come boys – lock up your daughters, especially mine!’
Despite Mr. Trump previously referring to Bashar al-Assad as a potential ally against ISIS, the possibility of a non-medically induced ‘chubby’ was too much to resist. The Pentagon has already been instructed to either ‘score the President a crap-load of Viagra to keep this one going for another week’ or draw up plans for invading North Korea – whichever is sexier.
The State Department has now promised further swift reprisals against the Syrian Government, specifically on a Friday night, when ‘little Donald’ likes to come out to play. Oddly, with ‘pussy grabbing’ being back on the menu Melania Trump has been unavailable for comment, but friends say she is both disappointed and nauseous and has barricaded her bedroom with her own wall.