In the latest round of government austerity cuts, the force of gravity will be replaced by Blu-Tack in most parts of the North of England, Scotland and Wales. Southern England will mostly retain traditional gravity, except in areas which voted Labour.
‘We have to live within our means,’ said a government spokesman. ‘There will be transitional gravity relief for poorer working households and the elderly. We understand the emotional appeal of gravity, but if a fundamental physical force isn’t strictly essential then people shouldn’t expect the state to provide it free of charge.’
The move has been welcomed by the morbidly and stupidly obese.