A Norwich man has caused shock and outrage by announcing his plan to enjoy a forthcoming religious holiday without getting angry. In his controversial proposal, Jim Bamford, 35, said he was ‘looking forward to having a nice, quiet Easter with my family’.
‘I think we’re just going to go to Church on the Sunday for the Easter service, then have a roast for lunch. It will be nice to spend some time with my wife and kids’, Bamford told stunned journalists at a press conference, with no mention of any plans to send abuse to the Cadbury Twitter account or make up a story about councils banning the word ‘Easter’ to avoid offending Muslims.
Bamford also outlined how he intended to take Jake, 6, and Muriel, 4, shopping for Easter eggs a few days before Easter Sunday. ‘We’ll all go to Sainsbury’s and I’ll let the kids choose one egg each’, he said, before being forced to clarify that he had no intention of crushing any chocolate eggs that don’t say ‘Easter’ on the front with a hammer or shouting at a teenage shop assistant for selling halal products.
The news was met with dismay by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. ‘As with Christmas, the religious aspect of Easter is being forgotten more and more. I hope families will take the time this year to remember the true meaning of Easter: getting angry for no reason’, he said, before sharing a meme accusing Muslims of not eating enough hot cross buns.
Prime Minister Theresa May took time out of a secret meeting with top military generals to condemn Bamford. ‘Easter is a time for Christians across the world to come together and exploit the celebration to further their political agendas’, she said, adding that Bamford is ‘probably a liberal lefty Bremoaner who hates Britain’.
In a later statement, Bamford looked to row back from the scandal by pointing out that he still intended to spend St. George’s Day outside the pub, shouting racial slurs at passers-by.