This recipe is perfect for a big family group – it takes some preparation though, guys, mine has been seven years in the making. You will need:
– One piece of maturing Scotch beef, ego still intact
– A successful wife with a rising media profile
– A paranoid philandering father-in-law, soaked
– A struggling cookery business empire (may need carving up)
– A very basic internet security system. Don’t worry if you can’t source original passwords at the first attempt, just try using my dog’s name or my favourite football team. These should be readily available with some simple online searching.
1. Place the father-in-law and the scotch beef in a pan and mix until inseparable. Cook up new business ventures until the mixture looks rosy
2. Add further family members to the mix. Be careful not to let some of the flavours dominate here. In particular, the father-in-law may look to attach itself to the wife of the Scotch beef. Leave to boil up and then simmer angrily for a couple of years
3. When a small film (or photo) appears in the mix, this is the time to try and remove the father-in-law, although you need to be extremely careful as the mix is now very hot and highly combustible
4. At this point the beef needs to be hacked. Don’t go for sophistication here, uneven, simple hacks are what is needed. Aim for around 2000 incisions. This is something you can invite other family members to help you with
4. Leave the mix to stew, preferably for a number of years
5. Use a flame – preferably via an open letter to the Daily Mail – to roast the father-in-law
6. Bring everything out into the open and rake the mix over the coals
The mix may by this point seem somewhat sour and leave a bad taste in the mouth. This is normal. You need to leave it for another couple of months before serving up in June at the Old Bailey. This is a dish best enjoyed cold, although the scotch beef and his wife can be frozen (out) for many years.