In recent years police crime reports show hipster on hipster crime has risen by almost 97%, with the number of ‘scalpings’ almost up by 70%. Scalping is a term used when a hipster takes a pair of scissors to another hipster and cuts off either their rivals man bun, or part of their beard.
To be an OH – Original hipster, you need to be located in Stoke Newington (Stokie), while the Shoreditch ‘Shordies’ are the primary rivals of the Stokies. The rivalry dates back to 2012 when a vegan popup pizza parlor was accused of serving food with animal traces.’As soon as it touched my lips I knew it was there,’ explained one tattooed Hipster, as he supped his organic carrot juice, bestride a vintage BMX. ‘Father owns a farm in Cambridgeshire, so, believe me when I say I know when the slightest hint of meat passes my lips’.
Meanwhile battle-lines have been drawn across Brighton’s seafront – on one side the distinctive green check shirts and on the other the unmistakable blue checks. Police are only holding them at bay by playing Mumford & Sons over a bullhorn, while using water canons to hose them down with ‘artisanal coffee and craft beer’.