Donald Trump has revealed his plan to ‘put America First’ – by outlawing the number two. The leading Republican Presidential candidate said that he would ban two by an executive order on his first day on the White House because the number is a ‘big loser’.
In a long-awaited speech on home affairs, Trump said: ‘America is going to be winning so much that we won’t need two. We’re going to be one. One, one, one, one, one. We’re making America great again and we’re going to build that wall. Make that three walls.’
The use of the number two by all federal government employees will henceforth be banned on pain of instant dismissal. All clocks will be altered to remove two and the number two will be taken out of all computer keyboards.
‘Greatness is coming first, and America has to be great again,’ said Trump. ‘When I do a deal I come out on top and that means coming first. Second is nowhere – or rather it would be nowhere, if it existed at all. Which it doesn’t. Does it, Ted Cruz? We’re making America great again.’
Under the plans to ban two, any American athletes who come in second during the Olympics will be denied their silver medals and told to win next time, while, when referring to two during official government business, federal employees must refer to it as ‘not first’ or ‘nearly third’.
Mobile phone manufacturers including Apple and Samsung will be ordered to disable two and replace it with another number one. Network provider Three is said to be particularly in favour of the move, as this will make it number two, or rather three, in the market after Mr Trump’s favourite network, Orange.
Daan, hat tip to Sock Puppet