A new government initiative to bring the sausage to every man, woman and child in the country through an intricate network of underground pipes and direct to homes could be complete as early as 2020. According to a Houses of Parliament sauce, work on the subterranean sausage network is already underway with over 2 million miles of pipeline already laid beneath the British countryside.
‘Soon, Dave from Dartford, Sally from Salisbury and Cecil from Cirencester could be waking up to a lovely Lincolnshire, a curly Cumberland or even a big black pudding, depending on their preference,’ said Minister for Meat Paul Backskin as he unveiled his sausage scheme at a press conference in London.
Recent technological advances in sausages have seen some already enjoying delivery speeds of up to 4 MBps (massive bites per sausage), though not all are impressed with the quality. A spokesman for Virgin Meatier, contractors for the network, commented that this is ‘bollocks and other assorted offal all wrapped up in a tasteless skin’.
However, the knock-on effect of automation in the industry has seen thousands of ‘meatmen’ lose their livelihoods. Bob Francis, a former sausage-handler from Sittingbourne, used to get up a 4 p.m. just to watch Neighbours. Then he’d be straight back to bed only to be up again at 3 a.m. and out on his sausage wagon delivering his skinned meat. ‘I used to love it,’ he said, ‘but it just wasn’t the same after Kylie left.’
Speaking at the press conference, Backskin had to deny reports that the HS2 rail link was just an elaborate folly and that its true purpose was to bring ‘Hot Sausages’ straight from northern sausage farms direct to the meat-loving masses of the South. When asked whether the plans for the sausage pipeline would be extended to include more of the nation’s favourite staples, such as ginger nuts or custard creams, he replied: ‘Biscuits? Through a pipe? Don’t be so bloody ridiculous!’