As the General Election looms, like an iceberg or a prostate examination, the UK’s electorate is surreptitiously looking forward to the prospect of ‘sticking it to the young’. With a ragtag collection of politicians to vote for, all offering to take Britain back to the glorious Age of Steam, grown-ups will be able to wipe that smug look off cherubic millennial faces, ban all sleeve tattoos and finally ‘pull the plug on Ed Sheeran’.
With their ‘scorched earth’ manifesto, the Tory Party are ahead in the polls, with the promise of ‘one massive tax-free party before the Apocalypse’ but where the ‘washing-up’ gets left for someone else. Explained one grandparent: ‘To be honest, I can’t stand children, with their iPhone 10s, flawless skin and constant whining about the environment. Who gives a sh$t about global warming? The cold plays havoc with my lumbago and my prize roses’.
Lounging in a hot-tub, one parent explained why all children were lazy, entitled narcissists: ‘Growing up in the 80s was tough – we didn’t have Google we had ‘Pong’. Have you ever tried ponging porn? And Pong Maps only covers Wimbledon. So what if my kids have to take on more debt if they go to University? It’s not my debt. And if they think their inheritance will pay off the remainder, guess again – I’m mortgaged and coked up to the eyeballs’.
Traditionally the older generations aspire to leave more for the children, but that only applies now to melanomas and coastal erosion. Sadly, anyone under 16 is starting to realize that there is no point breaking the glass ceiling, as it is made from asbestos and is probably not covered by their tenancy agreement. Said one Tory voter: ‘Ironically I will be getting away with it, despite those meddling kids’.