As all physicists and Liverpudlians agree, ‘The Sun’ newspaper is a fiery ball of hate, at the centre of the Murdoch Universe. However star-gazers and star-hackers are concerned that increases in Kelvin MacKenzie’s temperature might cause the ‘The Sun’ to collapse and becomes a financial black-hole in Newscorp’s finances.
‘The Sun’ has said it will no longer be using Kelvin as the standard measurement for race baiting, police corruption and topless teenagers, as he is – ‘too hot to handle and they don’t want to get their fingers burnt’. Instead, the newspaper will be quantified in ‘Corbyns per lie’; for as everyone knows: ‘It takes light 8 minutes to travel from The Sun, but apologies to bereaved families and celebrities take around ten to twenty years’.
Historically, the Aztecs first worshipped The Sun – depicted as a nubile woman with exposed breasts and a cheeky smile – but atheists and feminists have removed such iconography ‘and nips’ from Page 3. Whereas now, only Brexiteers revolve around The Sun, whose gravity always pulls them to the far right.
The Sun was at its hottest during the Falklands War but has cooled considerably since someone found about the phone tapping. Yet the newspaper remains the primary source of light for those too dim to read a book. As one Editor explained: ‘The Sun does shine out of Mr. Murdoch’s arse’.