The Conservative party have revealed that their manifesto will include a promise to legalise hunting teenagers on horseback, accompanied by a pack of slavering hounds.
‘We’re hoping to win back the loyalty of squires in the shires who’ve recently defected to UKIP, or may be considering doing so,’ explained a party spokesman today. ‘And it’s not as if it’ll cost us any votes – teenagers hardly ever vote, and when they do it’s never for us. Apart from a few Henriettas and Tobys at Balliol, but obviously we’re planning to exempt posh teenagers anyway.’
Rather than following the routes of existing hunts, the new teen hunts will take advantage of outdoor music festivals such as Glastonbury, Latitude and Womad. ‘All the buggers will be in a field already, and God knows there’ll be no lack of scent for the hounds to pick up’, continued the spokesman.
Asked whether the new sport wasn’t just a little bit cruel, the spokesman rolled his eyes. ‘Here we go, the usual politically-correct bleeding hearts who can’t stand the thought of anyone having any fun. But you’ve got to consider their quality of life if we didn’t do this. Lying on a sofa, moaning that their mobile is not the latest model and doesn’t work anyway and it’s all just so unfair… a bit of exercise in the fresh air will do them a world of good, even if it does end with a pack of dogs tearing them to pieces.’
The only drawbacks to the proposal were thought to be the possibility that the game might not be much fun, if the teenagers didn’t hear the hounds because they were glued to their iphones, or couldn’t drum up the energy to get up and run anyway. Asked whether the measure might not discourage the parents from voting Tory, the spokesman laughed and said ‘You don’t have teenagers, do you?’
YaBasta, Hat-tip to Oxbridge