Furious Facebook investors pacified by amusing picture of kitten


As its share value continued to plummet towards zero in its first week of trading, social media giant Facebook has seen off a major revolt by thousands of furious shareholders by issuing a series of heartwarming and whimsical posts featuring kittens and other adorable internet memes.

Shares in the company were initially made available at $39 each last week. But they plummeted to barely $35 within hours of trading, as new shareholders logged onto Facebook for the first time. ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just a bunch of solipsistic ramblings and inane platitudes being ascribed to the Dalai Lama,’ bemoaned first-time investor Alex Joseph. ‘All for $39 a pop. Thank you very much Mark f*!kin’ Zuckerberg.’

A number of disgruntled investors used their new online statuses to group together and launch a class action suit against the firm. They claimed that vital information was witheld from them, in particular the fact that Facebook was almost entirely composed of banal and self-absorbed posts by uninteresting people who might be valuable to advertisers but, by God, are unbelievably tedious.

However the, investors were headed off by a slew of light-hearted posts from the company’s newly-formed Investor Friendship Team. The posting began at 13.00 EST with a series of lolcat photos, including ‘I iz sitting on ur sharez in da kitty litta’ and ‘OOPS – can I haz ordinree savingz account next tyme?’

‘By the time they posted ‘Keep calm and carry on losing money hand-over-fist’ three hours later I was in stitches,’ confessed Mr Joseph. ‘I just knew we couldn’t go ahead with the action. Sure – I’ve lost a third of my pension plan, but … bless! And if by my insanely optimistic speculation I have helped even one more person discover Fenton the dog… well, it’s been a price well worth paying.’

Following the Facebook charm offensive, beleaguered shareholders have been entering into the same gently self-deprecating spirit themselves: ‘OMG, can’t believe I’ve pissed away half of my life savings on this bloated piece of trans-national control freakery,’ posted newly-retired head teacher Laura Stanley, adding: ‘Epic FAIL, lol!’ in a post currently liked by 14,434 people, including Mark f*!kin’ Zuckerberg.

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Posted: May 11th, 2017 by

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