The White House has issued a directive to replace the FBI with a Federal Bureau of Fabrication, Invention and ‘general Bullsh$t’. A spokeswoman explained that the outgoing director, James Comey, was not sufficiently nefarious to represent the administration and that they preferred ‘a small, wooden Italian boy – with room for nasal expansion’.
The new ‘FIB’ will have oversight of all cover-ups of cover-ups and will be responsible for investigating all areas of corruption – particularly themselves. They are required to seek out and expose any falsehood wherever they find it; then reduce it down to 140 characters for the President’s twitter-feed.
President Trump has thanked Mr. Corney for his contribution to ‘stitching up Hillary’, but explained that ‘nobody likes a snitch’. Meanwhile the President has said he wants the new FIB Head to be an Olympic-sized liar, willing ‘to put his balls on the line’ – so far, the bookies’ favourite is Lance Armstrong.
Standing in front of the Richard Nixon Memorial for Mendacity, the spokeswoman promised an end to false news, flat-earth deniers and Moon-cheese disbelievers. Pants ablaze, she said she was confident that the new FIB would be as trustworthy as a Ponzi scheme written by Jeffrey Archer or Theresa May’s commitment to the NHS.