Severely drunk community demand rights, extra chili sauce, no salad

protesters saved a bit for 'besht mate' Dave Cameron

Thousands of extremely inebriated men and women zig-zagged their way from Trafalgar Square to Downing Street late last night to deliver their hand-written, barely legible charter to the Prime Minister, demanding a fairer deal for tanked-up British citizens. Their demands are thought to include a reduction in the fifty pound tariff for throwing up in a taxi, easier to find kebab shops and more lying down areas in city centres.

What started a year ago almost to the day with one drunk man defying a society which told him he couldn’t sick at the front of the night-bus, has grown into a movement that has united the drunk community in a single cause.

The Right Reverend Tom Butler, Bishop of Southwark and spiritual leader of the movement, delivered a rousing if slurred version of his “You are my best mates” speech to the swaying mob gathered at the base of Nelson’s Column before leading them staggering in the general direction of Whitehall.

‘For ages and ages, drunk people have been discriliminated against, and it’s ENOUGH!’ bellowed one sh*t-faced demonstrator, while another p*ss-head added, ‘We’re not allowed to drive… the police, yeah?… We’re not allowed to drive… yeah?… They won’t let us drive or operate precision machinery or… it’s all… you get what I’m saying, yeah?… we’re not… we’re not allowed to drive…’

The p*ssed-up protestors back up their case with survey results showing that heavily trashed candidates are less likely to be hired at interview, and that fewer than one in ten publicly listed companies has an openly intoxicated director on their board. Many tell stories of being turned away from libraries, surgical operating rooms and parents’ evenings purely because of their blood-alcohol content.

Politicians of all parties, however, point to their record of appointing drunks to the cabinet and the Lords as proof of their promotion of ‘people of stupor’ in society.

24th May 2011

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