The government has denied any wrongdoing in the General Election, despite the leak of the 2017 results on Wikileaks weeks before polling day. ‘What is more important,’ said Prime Minister Theresa May today, ‘is who leaked the results early?’ Experts have speculated that the Russians are to blame, however the Electoral Commission dismissed this as ‘I don’t think so, the Russians aren’t registered to vote.’
Tim Farron said that he wasn’t surprised. ‘The result, a landslide victory for the Conservatives, has been a foregone conclusion for some time,’ he admitted today, expressing ‘satisfaction’ that his majority had risen by two thousand. ‘I’m also pleased we picked up Boston and Skegness,’ he added, while agreeing it was ‘a bit disappointing that Paul Nuttall was elected as the Lib Dem MP for the constituency. I’m sure we can find some common ground,’ he said today.
Jeremy Corbyn was also disappointed, as any party leader left with no seats at all might. ‘This isn’t a vote against me, it’s a vote against something else, something that I may have left in my allotment to help my rhubarb grow. Shit, that’s what it is, or our manifesto as some insist on calling it. No, I’m not standing down, the Labour Party has never needed a strong leader more than today, and that must mean me,’ he said, pulling his underpants over his head before addressing a large crowd of three outside.