A Sunderland man promised tough new targets on items going in and out of his 4-shelf household Hotpoint freezer today, in a clear the air summit with his wife over the domestic division of labour. Steve Vickers, 36, pledged to reduce the number of individual items to ‘hundreds’, committed to a deep clean of the bottom tray, and aimed to ‘work towards’ following a system of chucking fish items out after the recommended three months – only if he retained control over freezer duties in future.
‘A combination of cheap pieces of cod from the Baltics, 3 for 2 offers at Asda on Ben and Jerry’s, and your annual commitment in January – never followed through, I might add – to eating more Quorn have created unsustainable pressure on the shelves’, argued Vickers defensively. Responding to the charge that the freezer door wouldn’t shut properly he announced that ‘what is needed is a root and branch review and one of them big retro Smeg freezers, like Dave and Nicky have next door.’
‘Steve has no credibility on freezers’, sighed his wife Samantha. ‘The main problem is all that random ‘meat’ in there from the raffle him and Dave won down the Kings Head – why are we storing it all? This household faces a clear choice between strong and stable freezership from me or the coalition of chaos of Steve and Dave.’
‘His record on household chores over the last 10 years is dreadful’, added Samantha. ‘He does bins, admittedly, but Jesus, does everyone know about it when he does. Mansplaining about which plastics can be recycled does not constitute a coherent plan for getting this house into shape. In the time that it takes him to deliver his classic stump speech about being ‘tough on grime, tough on the causes of grime’, I’ve cleaned the bathroom, done three loads of washing and emptied the dishwasher’.
In the week ahead, the couple look likely to clash over broadband providers, with Samantha expected to receive a tempting offer through the post from Virgin. Steve is thought to want to stay with Sky, and has been campaigning hard to ensure he has the floating support of his 2 teenage children, constantly repeating the latest offerings on Sky Atlantic and the sector-best broadband speeds.
‘He just needs to get on the bloody phone,’ exclaimed Samantha angrily to her best friend Helen over a coffee. ‘I’m trying to negotiate the best exit deal on broadband for this family and he just sits on his arse watching ‘The Trip to Spain’. If it was down to him we’d still be trying to work out the basic parameters of our contract termination in 2019′.