The general election campaign took an unexpected turn today, when to her horror Theresa May came face to face with an ordinary voter, during an unscheduled stop at a motorway services. Although May has probably never been in contact with a member of the public before, she coped incredibly well, managing not to vomit until much later on, and spitting very discreetly.
May described the incident, as something which was ‘bound to happen’ but which she ‘hopes and expects will not be repeated’. Fortunately she was not bitten, and didn’t think she’d caught anything nasty, though she was having barrage of vaccinations just in case.
The female proletarian who had the temerity to speak..unscripted..to our Elizabethan saviour, wittered on about the 590 people known to have committed suicide in deaths relating to the work capability assessment, whilst May nodded, smiled and threw peanuts at her; clearly expecting the disgusting creature to be distracted by some free food.
Visibly aware of the cameras May disguised her malevolence beneath a practised but rather scary artificial smile, using her parroted response to all situations – ‘strong and stable’ and ‘let them eat cake’. Naturally the electorate gratefully lapped it up; while in other news assault victims thank their attackers, theft victims praise thieves, and disabled people honour the renowned philanthropist Ian Duncan Smith.