Comrade May has pledged to: ‘secure for the workers by hand or by brain the full fruits of their industry upon the basis of common ownership of the means of production, distribution and exchange’, plus a small condo in Novosibirsk.
Addressing a crowd of carefully selected miners outside a colliery-turned-arts centre, Theresa May declared: ‘Apart from free healthcare, education, pensions, minimum wages, job security and a sense of purpose, Labour governments have given you nothing! My International Conservatives are going to give you what you deserve. Capitalists of the world, unite!’
Hailing hard Brexit as a ‘once-in-a-new-epoch chance to trade with comrades across the globe, not just in Europe’, Mrs May set out her dream in which every Butlins was like Davos, and every social tower block as blinging as Trump Tower. “’We’re going to extend free health care to wild animals,’ she declared. ‘Soon, foxes will go to the vets without fear. Like Boxer in Animal Farm!’
Jeremy Corbyn appeared sceptical: ‘This is clearly a cynical device to win over support from ordinary people, which, if it succeeds, will have my full backing,’ he stated. ‘I’ve instructed my agents to pull any candidates standing against pink Tories – we wouldn’t want to hurt their chances.’
Trade union bosses questioned whether a Prime Minister who could call a snap election after denying she would do so could be trusted to keep her word, and also wondered how she planned to pay for her redistributive plans.
‘Let me be quite clear – everything is fully costed and I never change my mind,’ said Mrs May. ‘All benefits are fully funded by a penny tax on a litre of air. And our detailed proposals clarify that by ownership, I mean share options. And by workers, I mean bosses.’