The depth of middle-class feeling has led to each side to refer to the other via the horrific nicknames of ‘Fakers’ and ‘Muddles’. And the aggression hasn’t just stopped there. One poor family told us that they had been victims of a brutal drive-by tutting in Aylesbury from a group of ‘Muddles’ driving a Volvo estate in a Waitrose car park. Similarly, ‘Fakers’ in Broxborne are refusing to wipe their feet when entering any house having natural grass.
This dangerously inflammatory language is sadly all to common in the war of words that has been boiling over for the last three years throughout the usually placid commuter belt of London. In fact in some places, this has boiled over into passive aggression and in some extreme cases raised voices and jostling. ‘We’re a natural family,’ Theresa Scarlett-Southern told me, ‘We are committed to ensuring that our children get an authentic garden experience even if it means the odd muddy knee or scuff of the lawn. And Piotr will take care of the latter anyway. Artificial grass is so, what’s the word, perfidious.’ She then halfheartedly shouted at her son, Otto, to share the artisanal chorizo with his sister, Felicity.
Tempers are sure to peak during this most stressful time for the middle classes as school places are decided with 90% of schools favouring natural grass. There has already been several cases of hate-speak on the popular forum Mumsnet including one lady calling another, ‘someone who most likely shops in Asda’. Police intervention will surely be needed as the inevitable Avocado and Prosecco shortage looms.