Theresa May has promised voters that an X Factor style TV show could in future determine who presses the nuclear button on behalf of the UK should the need arise. May said contestants would be chosen from a wide range of pre-determined demographics and troubled backgrounds. The show has yet to be formally named but possibles frontrunners include ‘X Reactor’ and ‘Britain’s Got Seconds’.
Hopefuls would need to prove they are totally dysfunctional at time of asking and completely detached from all reality. They must possess a wide range of illnesses and disorders, ranging from psychosis through to paranoia and/or schizophrenia through to anxiety and panic attacks. A doctor’s note saying you are a ‘total dingbat’ will need to be supported by failed clinical trials and ‘at least’ five restraining orders.
‘Contestants must be able prove they are totally bat-shit crazy…we don’t really want people entering the contest simply because they want to be on the telly. It is obvious we cannot trust Jeremy Corbyn to start a nuclear war, so let’s fine somebody who will. What kind of a future would there be for your children and grandchildren if we didn’t have somebody willing to press the nuclear button? ‘