The threat of a terrorist incident, previously described as ‘We’re Slightly Doomed’ and then raised to ‘We’re Quite a Bit Doomed’ before reaching the level of ‘We’re All Doomed’ has now been downgraded, now that intensive police investigations have been able to confirm that the latest terrorist attackers were ‘very unlikely’ to commit any further criminal acts.
‘People should not be too worried,’ said the Prime Minister today. ‘We look forward to the threat being further reduced before too long, to the more-or-less everyday level of ‘Some of Us Are Probably More-or-Less a Bit Doomed’. And it’s worth remembering that even ‘We’re all doomed’ is not the most severe level of threat.’
‘There are levels above that, ranging from ‘We’re all Definitely and Immediately, Absolutely, Utterly and Totally Doomed’ right up to the ultimate: ‘Don’t Panic, it’s only a General Election result’. But, as Michael Fish once said, don’t worry, we’re never going to reach that kind of level. Well, probably not. At least, not immediately.’