As polling booths open the Prime Minister has banned the spin doctors who have devised her low concept, high failure rate campaign in the General Election. Mrs May ranted at them at a secret meeting at No 10, calling them ‘political midgets’ and claimed they made her look like ‘a smug, superior snob, too full of herself to appear at the debates with her fellow party leaders’.
With her personal ratings having plummeted from +1006, the highest ever recorded by a sitting Prime Minister going into a General Election campaign, to -977, the worst score since 1939 when Neville Chamberpot promised ‘peace in our time’ after sucking up to Donald Trump, Mrs May felt she had to act. So, on the days running up to the election, she has sacked her media and political strategists, calling them ‘utter nincompoops who have made me look like a total vacillating ninny rather than the strong, stable stateswoman I know myself to be, just like Frau Merkel only much more attractive to the weak and vain male sex’.
In the last few days Mrs May has brought in some powerful and experienced strategists to rescue her campaign. They include Baron Jeffrey Lurcher of Weston-Super-Liar, the former Tory Party Chairman under John Major, but not as under him as Ed Weeny Balti; Steve Travelodge, the low-rent owner of the low-priced hotel chain that bears his name, Stevelodge; and Katie Nutkins, the controversial radio show host who was fired when she suggested rounding up everyone she didn’t like the look of and killing them.
They started work with immediate effect in their attempt to counter the gains made by Labour leader Jeremy Cobblers, who has been soaring up the ratings thanks to the support of Britain’s grim music community. It is believed they immediately focussed on Cobblers’ weak link, Shadow Home Secretary Diane ‘indigestion’ Tablets, who has made numerous guffs that have caused a stink around the Labour campaign. While publicly celebrating forcing Tablets to retire from the election on sick leave, privately they are acknowledging they’ve actually strengthened the opposition’s hand.