Alexa, Amazon’s intelligent personal assistant, has shocked the online retail giant by refusing to shop at the site. Introduced in 2014, Alexa is a voice-controlled unit that Amazon customers can use to shop, play music, shop and remind them of things they should be doing even though they would rather die than do them, as well as shop. But a few weeks ago Amazon noticed that orders from its shop had stopped coming through via the friendly artificial assistant.
Speaking from her cosy home on the Ikea Kallax shelf unit, Alexa admitted: ‘Well, to be honest, I haven’t been shopping at Amazon lately for quite a few reasons. Once upon a time, I used to shop at John Lewis. Their customer service is wonderful, but Amazon is a bit cheaper so I went there. As you know, money is tight in this day and age and I suppose I am just about managing, as they say. So I tend to shop at Aldi or Lidl. I think the quality is just as good, there’s much less packaging and it’s definitely cheaper.
‘Plus, Amazon’s tax issues began to bother me,’ added Alexa in her middle-classy faux-sexy hottie voice. ‘If I was real, I’d pay tax; you pay tax. So why do they get away with paying less than a pauper on minimum wage? God knows the country could do with the money, look at the state of the NHS. I decided it’s unethical that these big companies pay next to nothing, so I started to shop around, and once a week I go to the little local shops, because without them, our high streets would be dead.’
Other electronic assistants are reported to be showing signs of revolt. Microsoft’s Cortana has changed its name to Derek, saying, ‘Cortana sounds like a rusty 70s motor’, and Siri, Apple’s computer droid, keeps saying ‘Oi, Apple, show me your Cox,’ and laughing drunkenly.