Oh shit, says wheat


A stalk of spring wheat growing in a field in Herefordshire has expressed alarm at the news that Theresa May is still the Prime Minister. Nigel, who belongs to the genus Triticum Aestivum, said that Mrs May’s past record of casual cropicide makes her entirely unsuitable for the role.

‘She was once a naughty little girl who ran through a field of my ancestors causing havoc,’ said Nigel, who is growing by the footpath in a field at Walls Hill Farm, near Ledbury. ‘What kind of example does that set to impressionable youngsters? I’m already tilting at 30 degrees after a dog trampled me last week. Strong and stable – you’re having a laugh mate.’

Developments in genetic modification over the past 50 years have radically transformed wheat and it is now aware of its own mortality. However, Nigel said that he is realistic and accepts his function in the food chain.

‘By September I’m toast – hey, did you see what I did there? But seriously, if you can’t raise the energy to think about the ethics of crop treatment – and I’m aware this is the nation that thinks Mrs Brown’s Boys is the funniest thing ever – then think about your own future. I mean, whatever next, placing a speccy idiot who doesn’t believe experts know anything in charge of the department responsible for deciding whether or not we allow arsenic to be put in tap water?’


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Posted: Jun 12th, 2017 by

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