Documents leaked by a source close to David Cameron today, show that every political move he’s made in the last six years has been geared around his personal ambition for The Westminster Shit Show to win the award for ‘Best Soap’.
‘Fiery barns, plane crashes, shouty announcements of dubious parentage – they’ve all been done before – we really wanted to go all out this year, and clinch the deal with something spectacular and unique.’ says Cameron in one of the leaked emails. ‘I’m thinking wee on the economy, announce a turbulent referendum, break off the Scottish stick of the UK Kit-Kat, piss off the whole of Europe, and then run away and leave the serious stuff that viewers don’t care about – like Article 50- to someone else. We’re going to win, I can feel it. It’ll be even more entertaining than the time I made George stick his winky in that bee hive for You’ve Been Framed and got myself £250.’
When opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, got wind of the idea, in a rare show of cross-party solidarity he decided to help cement The Westminster Shit Show as the soapiest soap in Britain by sacking Hilary Benn from his Shadow Cabinet, causing the entire Labour Party, and 98% of all registered party members to resign.
‘Look, I’ve drawn a lot of my inspiration from Cain Dingle. Bad man to rad man. I sacked Benn to show that the big JC (no, not that one) is not to be messed with. I don’t want to give too much away, but after the next few episodes of being booed like a pantomime villain, I’ll be back to being the lovable snap-chatting socialist, you wait and see.’
Lib Dem leader Tim Farron tried to join in by announcing that he and the other party member would campaign to remain in the EU at the highly likely snap general election. Unfortunately this was largely a wasted effort as far as drama is concerned, although his IMDB profile did gain 300% more hits as the nation googled ‘who is Tim Farron?’.
Since Cameron’s emails have been leaked, suggestions for storylines have been coming in thick and fast.
‘I did suggest that we lower a few tuition fees to butter up disenfranchised youths a bit,’ announced George Osborne from his undisclosed hiding place. ‘but Dave said there’s a reason why Hollyoaks never wins.’