In the face of much recent criticism, Theresa May was finally able to point to her success in stopping the threat of qualified health professionals from getting out of hand. The number of EU nationals joining nursing fell by 96% last year, which means the UK can now focus on recruiting more valued professions – such as sex-trafficked strawberry pickers.
A Home Office spokeswoman explained: ‘All too often you see nurses smuggled into the country in the back of container lorries, only to be found wandering the streets at night – fighting in food banks with urban foxes. Nurses work in unsanitary conditions, often surrounded by disease and will stick a thermometer up your bottom as soon as look at you. Would you want to live next door to one?’ he asked.
‘The NHS is also a breeding ground for radicalization – ideas like health care should be free at source or that Britain is a tolerant society. Communities can become disrupted by an influx of nurses who naturally establish health ghettos filled with vitamins, bed baths and those weird fob watches, which make them all look like an 18th century dandy.’
Fortunately, the Conservative manifesto pledge to reign in mass immigration, has stopped the UK from being overrun by caring and competent nurses. Meanwhile, tempers and temperatures run high in the nursing camp in Calais, which is daubed with the slogan – ‘Go back to where you come from – some sort medical school, I guess?’