Science fiction and socialism fans alike, have been delighted to discover that in a hypothetical self-contained reality there exists an actual left-wing candidate. The Member of Parliament for Islington North has managed to secure enough nominations to get on the ballot, but only in a parallel universe where there is compassion, collective responsibility and where we are ruled by a race of four-foot high, furry, purple bipeds all named ‘Michael Foot’.
Obviously in the real world no such left-winger could survive on an oxygen-rich planet, where water and Daily Mail bile cover 70% of the Earth’s surface. However, scientists have speculated that if such an alternate Universe existed, then the ‘Corbyn-effect’ would generate enough hope to be seen twinkling in a nearby galaxies. As opposed to a Black Hole, which sucks surrounding life into a dwindling vortex of despair – much like Ed Miliband.
One Labour member explained: ‘I’ve tried to explain to my children that the Corbyn-effect is only a theory and that it can’t exist in a vacuum. It’s like the tooth fairy, an equitable tax system or a 70’s light entertainer who can keep their hands to themselves. A lovely idea. But with no scientific evidence to support it or votes for it for that matter’.
Rumours persist that Mr. Corbyn’s manifesto pledges will be taken directly from the next Star Wars instalment; including Ewoks, Jedis and a fully-funded NHS. Meanwhile the likes of Liz Kendall have promised to continue in the tradition of other great Blairites, such as Margaret Thatcher. A spokeswoman said: ‘The Corbyn candidacy is laughable. We need to appeal to the centre. To moderates. Liz Kendall is the Acker Bilk of politics. As edgy as Ben Affleck. And with the pizzazz of plain tofu.’