Lord of the universe and carpentry wizard Jesus has resigned as leader of the Christian faith, following a furore over his belief in the Liberal Democrats. The Lamb of God admitted that questions about his support for the former SDP and Liberal Alliance were making it impossible for him to spread his wider message of doing unto others as you would want them to do unto you whilst not masturbating.
In a carefully worded statement, he told the press ‘Every time I appear as an image in fruit or toast, I get the same questions about whether I believe that middle ground politics is a sin. Others might have handled the situation better, but no matter how many sacrifices I make I have found it impossible to remain faithful to Farron while simultaneously running a universe. I am foremost a Lib Dem and secondly a deity,’ he admitted today.
During his most recent campaign to be re-throned in Heaven for five more years, Christ had attempted to shake off the question of his political allegiances retorting: ‘We are all Lib Dems’. Other policies he stood for included proportional representation in the legislating of commandments, the legalising of myrrh for regulated use, an increase of one Sestertius per Aureus to be given unto Caesar, the subsidising of low-carbon incense, and rejecting a ‘hard Armageddon’.
Liberal Democratism is a controversial topic among Christians after Moses refused to grant Israelites a second referendum on leaving Egypt after terms had been fully negotiated with the Pharoah. Later, God reaped vengeance upon the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah after the district ‘turned yellow’ in a landslide win against the More Praying and Self-Flagellation candidate. As a result, some believe being a Lib Dem supporter is strictly forbidden, though others claim this is too harsh and that being a Liberal Democrat is acceptable as long as you do not actively go to conferences.