Following reports that a fire has tragically killed at least 17 people in a London apartment building, US President Donald Trump has announced plans to implement a blanket ban on fire throughout the United States starting at midnight.
‘Fire has killed nearly ten times more people in the U.K. than Muslims this year alone. This means that fire is more than ten times more dangerous than Muslims. It’s also red, just like Communists. Think about it’, said the President, tapping the side of his head.
Despite numerous reports and studies showing that fire can be beneficial to society and has been for several thousand years, these were dismissed as a ‘LIBERAL CON JOB’ in a 3:00am tweet by the President. ‘A lot of people have been asking me, folks, they’re really worried about this stuff. Some real bad flambés have come here from Mexico, it’s out of control. This fire is real bad stuff. It can burn your children, it can destroy your house, people even use it to destroy our American flag. We have to ban all fire everywhere. That’s the only way to be safe, folks. God bless America.’
Mr. Trump later announced that his recent multi-million dollar acquisition of 500 fire-extinguisher manufacturing firms was ‘unrelated.’