Met Office apologises to satirists for hot weather


The sudden spate of un-British hot weather has caused a cessation of satirical writing the length and breadth of the land. ‘I know I should be writing satirical points about the imminence of another terror attack,’ said Tarquin, 36, sipping a bottle of designer lager, ‘but this hot weather somehow makes the fear of an attack so much more bearable. Probably why there’s so much of it in Iraq; the weather must make it seem much less horrific. Perhaps I should consider a winter break over there,’ he mused.

Other satirists agree that subjects that should make them feel angry suddenly appear OK. ‘A hung parliament held together by Northern Irish hotheads should make my blood boil, but if it does it’s only because I need to reapply my factor 50,’ said Albert, 62, basking in the unbroken sun. ‘On a colder day I’d be writing stuff like “they should all be bloody-well hung” – or is that sex offenders?’ he asked, pouring another G and T while turning over a burger on his barbeque. ‘Or maybe I should be pointing out how much I’m adding to ‘so-called global warming,’ he said, considering writing something, but deciding ‘fuck it, it’s too hot.’

‘I suppose I should be bouncing mad over the cost of a needless election – £130 million they say and we’ll need another in October,’ said Alphonso, who admitted he wasn’t a satirist, just a ‘bloody immigrant waiting to be deported when Brexit kicks in.’ He resigns himself to the fact that £130 million ‘isn’t that much – they can hold it back from the NHS bounty post Brexit for a week,’ he suggested.

Other satirists believe they should be banging online about the pointless waste of lives due to cost cutting on tower block cladding, or the fact that ‘retro fitting sprinklers, while relatively costly in the short term, saves incalculable lives in the long term.’ One satirist did acknowledge that such retro fitting ‘would extend the lives of the monstrosities they call tower blocks, which would be a shame.’ Interestingly a Conservative MP within earshot said almost the same thing, but exchanged ‘tower blocks’ for ‘immigrants.’

The Met Office stated that the warm weather would revert back to normal in a few days, allowing satirists to resume arguing against the government, the system, the world order or more probably just revert to snarking at each other in online forums. ‘Satire might slow down in the hot weather,’ said a Met Office spokesman, ‘but we expect the apostrophe police to work in all weathers.’

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Posted: Jun 17th, 2017 by

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