Most amusing but slightly pervy-sounding fantasies are best left that way, according to Nigel Walker, a 58-year-old chartered surveyor from the Isle of Wight who was recently dipped in chocolate and thrown to the lesbians. Walker was granted three wishes in lieu of his £449 + VAT fee for professional services by a leprechaun whose dell had been threatened by a new industrial development on the outskirts of Shanklin.
‘I’d heard that one spoken of many times, so once I had used my first two wishes on a never-ending pint of Strongbow and a wallet that was always full, I thought why not try it,’ said Walker. ‘Well, be careful what you wish for is all I can say.’
With his skin hot and itchy after being dunked naked but for his size 38 Y-fronts into a vat of liquid Dairy Milk at Cadbury’s, Walker was transported to an LGBT nightclub in Southampton at 10.30 last Thursday night and unceremoniously dumped on the floor, where a small group of revellers looked at him with bemusement.
‘Of the five lesbians who were actually there, one didn’t like chocolate anyway, three did but weren’t up for licking it off a fat middle-aged man, because, obviously, they’re lesbians. The fifth was bi and said she might have given it a go but was on a diet and I didn’t fancy her anyway. In the end, I spent the night paying off the gays to leave me alone, so at least the permanently full wallet came in handy.’
Walker’s wife Marjorie, who had been with him at the time the three wishes were granted, said: ‘Silly old fool. Though to be fair, it didn’t work out too well for me either. I asked for a handsome young man with a twelve-inch tongue who could breathe through his ears. He made an excuse and left. He’s going to be on Britain’s Got Talent next year, apparently.