While Jeremy Corbyn pandered to youngsters at the Glastonbury Festival with his vision of hope and love, the Prime Minister Theresa May nailed the John Peel Stage with her avant-garde bukkake madrigal and balloon animals, though this was completely overlooked by the biased left-wing media. ‘Living it large, strong and stable’, as she put it, Theresa May proved she was down with the kids by offering a free tote-bag with every tenement building covered in flammable cladding.
Rubbing her ‘love baps’ on a mixing desk, Mrs May told the assembled masses that she was glad they were the strongest sperm and promised to refund their university tuition fees if they agreed to fund Brexit. She culminated her set by chasing Radiohead with pack of hounds and turning the Pyramid Stage into a grammar school for hippies – or the BBC, as it is sometimes known.
Waving everyone onto her bouncy castle of electoral uncertainty, Mrs May then excited the Glastonbury crowd with her promise of goody bags and a corporation tax rate that would Disney puke. Down with the kids, she went on to say that a Tory government would be Minecraft- and Frozen-themed ‘with all the jelly you can have and eat at the same time’.
Dressed as a Transformer, the May-bot was critical of the 150,000 revellers who had not RSVP’d, but said they could rectify matters by giving her an appropriate gift – or she would not finish her Thomas the Tank Engine burlesque. Mrs May reminded them she had made a hedgehog-shaped cake with spikes made out of Cadbury’s Fingers and that the Foo Fighters could not offer a soft-play area complete with ‘Boris the Bungling Clown’.