While austerity continues to bite across the UK, the Conservatives have unveiled plans to release previously unspent cash known to be hidden in trees, rainbows, waterfalls and other supernatural dwellings, to invest in public services and infrastructure in Northern Ireland, so they have.
Though magic money trees have proved extremely rare, if not non-existent, in mainland UK, troves of gold are said to be common across Northern Ireland, where they have been hidden by leprechauns. The government has pledged to harvest several caches discovered only in the last few weeks for essential public use, such as heterosexual support groups, dinosaur-free children’s books and orange paint. However, some of the gold’s protectors have broken cover and are vowing to defend the hordes.
‘They’ll never get their hands on my magic money tree,’ one leprechaun known only as ‘Paddy’ told us. ‘The gold is ours, fair and square. ‘Tis always the same with humans – people think they can ransack our private crocks because as mythical fairy folk we are unrepresented in mainstream politics. It’s bad enough we have to pay tax on unoccupied rainbows, so it is.’
Traditionally, leprechaun gold has been thought to have been lifted from tourists over the years by the mischievous elves, though it is now believed to be the result of a lucrative licensing deal made with the manufacturers of the Lucky Charms breakfast cereal after sprites threatened to place a hex on the manufacturer for breach of copyright and producing racist marshmallow shapes. Over the weekend, there were dozens of reports of leprechauns laughing and dancing on or nearby rainbows, though they turned to be members of the DUP.
A government spokesman said: ‘It did seem as if increases in public spending in the UK was impossible due to the current financial climate, but it turns out there are in fact large hordes of gold lying around. It’s just that you can’t see them if you don’t believe they exist.’