The electoral mathematics behind the Referendum vote have been thrown into chaos after an impending shortage in fruit picking labour meant that less fruit will be picked and the amount of fresh fruit and vegetables the British are morally pressurised into eating needed to be recalculated. According to a DEFRA statement, the total number of portions could be reduced from five a day to two a day.
‘This is an example of our Brexit promise to provide additional flexibility to help industries that really need it,’ said Environment Secretary Michael Gove. ‘We should have confidence that our bodies can do more with less, and simply take back control of how we process the nutrition from our food.’
Meanwhile, in Scotland, the realisation that Brexit could mean more pies and even fewer vegetables has led to speculation that the heart disease capital’s previously strong support for Remain could be numbered. SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon called on Scots to weigh the joys of independence carefully against the immediate gratification of vitamin-avoidance. ‘I suppose youse’re gonnae do a deep fried Mars Bar joke written in a stereotypical Scottish accent, aren’t ye noo?’ she added.
The policy comes on the back of a House of Lords Select Committee recommendation for the re-categorisation of fruit and veg. ‘Poor people don’t know how to metabolise fibre properly,’ said the Select Committee chairperson, Baroness Lady Jenkin. ‘For just 4p a day, people can get all the minerals they need if issued three meals of thin gruel a day, with an onion twice a week, and half a roll of Sundays. They were always happy with that before all this health and safety nonsense.’
Benvoleo and Oxbridge