New study reveals health benefits of death

I'm coming for you

Although traditionally viewed by medical professionals as something which should be totally avoided, new research has revealed that death may actually contain a number of benefits.  In an extensive study by researchers at Brycedon Academy in Lisbon, it was discovered that 100% of people who tried death showed a significant reduction in body fat within seven days.

Anxiety and stress levels were also reported to be greatly reduced, with not a single test subject reporting any levels of stress or anxiety whatsoever, despite at least seven of them reporting ‘unbearable’ anxiety shortly before being administered a dose of death.

Although the full study is yet to be published, early reports suggest that death could also assist people in stopping smoking, easing arthritis pain and being told ‘Game of Thrones’ spoilers.

Despite the early positive indications, medical professionals are still urging caution:  ‘We need to examine the full effects of this,’ said Dr. Martin Kelly, Head of the Study.  ‘In the meantime, our preliminary view is that death is probably something that is best administered on an ongoing basis in small doses’.

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Posted: Jun 27th, 2017 by

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