The government has found a novel way of dealing with a seemingly irreconcilable set of Brexit pressures around migrants following a chance remark by Boris Johnson, back from a whale-clubbing weekend in the Faeroes. ‘They’re neither fish nor fowl, old bean, they simply don’t count.’
As a result, the new Piscine Citizen status has been born. EU citizens resident within British territorial waters for at least five years would be reclassified as fish and an annual net shoal migration of half a million would also be permitted to cater for seasonal demand.
‘Everybody wins,’ said the Prime Minister. ‘Net migration goes negative, the foreign johnnies get to stay and pick the quinoa in Peterborough and, on paper at least, we replace the fishing tonnage lost to the perfidious Spaniards. Now pass the salt and vinegar. My Pole and chips is getting cold.’