On his return to the Cabinet as Environment Secretary, Michael Gove has made assurances that he will re-orientate from the culling of his own cabinet member’s leadership ambitions to the culling of benign UK wildlife as soon as a suitable species is selected, and a correlating murder method outlined.
‘The most classic combinations are spoken for: David trapped and shot his badgers, and Theresa’s just vetoed ripping foxes apart with hounds, but where my critics see a problem, I see an opportunity,’ said Gove hopping from foot to foot with excitement. ‘I want to assure the public that, whatever the creature, and however we eradicate it, this Government is committed to the administrative and systematic destruction of at least one well-loved and innocent sylvan critter.
The DoE is currently fleshing out the bare bones of his policy, and have been considering many proposal, such as clubbing baby rabbits while they sleep, strangling muntjac deer with bare hands and snatching bats out of the air mid-flight, biting their heads off and flinging their still twitching corpses to the ground. Gove added that he will also look into more indirect forms of slaughter, including deleting government advice to look through woodpiles for hedgehogs before burning, removing bird box building from the school curriculum, and taxing bird feed during the winter months.
‘These are more cunning, but less satisfying, so, ultimately, we’ll probably go with weaving beavers into their own dams so they drown, or sewing up the mouths of wood mice and watching them starve to death,’ he added. ‘Obviously, I need to make my mark now as there is a limited time-frame to get the annihilation of arboreal fauna under my belt, as they’ll all have to be re-categorised as just plain fauna when I finally achieve the felling of the UK’s woodland.’