A pig who has spent much of his life rolling around in his own excrement has confirmed that he is actually pretty down about the situation and would prefer clean and comfortable quarters, as well as the odd opportunity to self-actualise. Horace, a ten-month old Gloucester Old Spot, expressed his views to an interviewer collecting data for a national survey on life satisfaction.
‘Actually on a scale of 1 to 5, which is as far as I can count up to on my trotters, I feel right at the low end,’ sniffed Horace. ‘In terms of Maslow’s pyramid, yes, I’ve got food and water but this place is an absolute sty. How much prestige can you get from pushing your own poo around this three-metre pen?’
‘Pigs are actually quite clean animals by nature: we like rooting around in the dirt for acorns, sure, but the reason we spend our entire lives ankle-deep in our own shit is because you give us little choice in the matter.’
Horace further revealed that he has had some good friends, but most of them have abruptly disappeared after a short while, leaving him with chronic insecurity issues. More importantly, spending his days in a confined pen filled mostly with shit means he rarely has any sense of accomplishment about what he is doing.
‘The problem with Maslow, of course, is that he ignores relativities and change over time too. Rising sea levels mean that there are simply more clams at high tide to be happy, though Lord knows why they would be. Larks always have a fixed grin on their bloody beaks – we’re definitely no longer as happy as them. As for Larry, who knows? I’ve never met the bloke but I imagine he doesn’t spend his days in a confined pen filled mostly with shit.’
Initial findings from the survey appear to confirm Horace’s views, with average satisfaction levels for pigs in shit falling below the levels of other key comparator groups in 2017, including dogs with two dicks. The survey did not adjust for the possibility that dogs are happy because their realistic expectations of life are fulfilled every day rather than because of having a particular number of dicks.