The Svoboda family of Slovakia has been thrown into confusion and mutual recrimination after their eldest daughter Vladyanka, 17, announced that she did not want to be a professional tennis player, despite being blonde, highly attractive and seven feet tall. This has gone against many decades of tradition across Eastern Europe and is threatening the entire Svoboda family with social disgrace.
‘Honestly, I’ve nothing against tennis,’ Vladyanka told the angry mob who had gathered outside her window with pitchforks and flaming torches. ‘I even watch it on TV sometimes. But I’m just not that interested and don’t want to play it for a living, OK? I’ve never even picked up a racket.’
Her family have called her decision ‘selfish’, citing the fact that her brother’s fiancée has already called off their engagement lest her family be tainted by association with his. Her younger sister Kristina, who is short, brunette and physically uncoordinated, said she simply did not understand what was going on in Vladyanka’s head.
‘We are the only family in the village whose tallest blondest daughter didn’t take up professional tennis,’ said her father Splodj, who is now planning the traditional ceremony whereby Slovak parents carry out a mock funeral to disavow children who betray their clan. ‘Do you think people will forget? They won’t. Blood feuds last forever in this part of the world. Centuries from now, people will shudder and avert their eyes as they walk past this house.”
According to unconfirmed reports, Vladyanka intends to explore the other possibilities open to seven foot blondes, including marrying Bernie Ecclestone or Rod Stewart. Failing either of those, she may alternatively take the few remaining possessions that have escaped the family bonfire to Bratislava to do a degree in Media Studies, or have a go at Donald Trump on the basis that Slovakia and Slovenia are quite close together in the dictionary.