The links to items of spurious news and trivia that turn up on every single web page you visit are not going to go away until you man up and read them, it has emerged.
‘We design this stuff around YOU, you selfish little prick,’ said Nigel Walker, the algorithm that has been lurking in your computer for the past three years. ‘All right, you and millions of others but come on, you know as well as I do why you keep getting that one where the cheerleader had no idea why the crowd was applauding.’
‘And if you bothered to click through 54 pages, you’ll probably find that her costume slipped a bit. In fact, it may have partially exposed some nipple for aught I know, I’m too busy to look myself. Go on, you know you want to. Your appetite for nudie pictures is going to be kept on record for all eternity in any case.’
Walker added that you really need to open your mind to new ideas. ‘Until you wade through the link, you may never know if newly discovered photos show that Amelia Earhart might have survived as a prisoner in Japan … WHAT? … Oh for heaven’s sake, she was a pioneer aviator who disappeared mysteriously in the Pacific Ocean in 1937. See, you wouldn’t be this ignorant if you’d looked at our lovely free stuff.’
Furthermore, Walker said, despite your sneering cynicism on the subject, it is a statistical certainty that there must be some hot mature women looking for dates in [insert name of town near you], given that [insert number] thousand people live there. Furthermore, there might actually be some things funeral homes don’t want you to know and you may as well find out what they are now rather than when your mum has died and you can’t think straight.
However, he admitted, ‘that one about Europe being doomed is rubbish, obviously, though Liam Fox might like it. But anyway, read it once and it will all disappear in a puff of smoke. Promise. You won’t BELIEVE what will happen next.’
Hat tip Titus