Despite being wracked with labour pains and hobbled by a small head erupting from her vagina, an unnamed 28-year-old woman from Birmingham has been hailed as a hero for resolutely refusing to be lulled by Primark’s promise of cut-price designer wear and give birth in the shop.
As her waters broke, her cervix dilated and her 25%-off voucher expired, the woman dragged herself away from the lure of a sale on floral dresses. Groaning as her membranes ruptured, every maternal instinct made her abandon a rail of bargain kids’ clothing in the hope that her child would be born to a better future, with better stitching.
‘We understand that she was afraid that her new-born would be automatically enrolled in one of Primark’s sweat shops, that the queues for the birthing room would be too long and that her umbilical cord could get mistaken for a £1.75 novelty belt,’ said Rachel Trombley, a worker at a local bookshop. ‘The crowd of shoppers were all cheering at the thought her child would not be exposed to clothing that falls apart after two washes.’
Onlookers showered the new mother with money to encourage her to complete her shopping and have the baby at Marks & Spencer on the corner. Many had been concerned that the newborn would get thrown to the floor and lost under the discarded clothing that normally litters Primark. West Midlands Ambulance Service said mother and baby were doing well but warned other shoppers of the risk that Primark posed to anyone with a ‘hint of pikey’ about them.
Birmingham police have categorically denied rumours circulating on the internet that a baby girl was later found in a changing room at a nearby branch of Fat Face. It was claimed that the child was wrapped in a pair of blood-stained leggings discounted from £6 to £3, clutching a ‘cry for help’ note that allegedly read: ‘Please don’t do this to me, mummy, I wouldn’t be seen dead in Primark clothes. Or in Birmingham.’