Doctors will be expected to routinely travel through time and will work until they are at least 1500 years old, under new flexible NHS employment contracts announced by Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt today. The policy announcement comes after Hunt uncovered a successful regeneration scheme for doctors, running since 1963, at the Gallifrey Foundation Trust.
‘The abilities to distort time, communicate via telepathy, and to transform into a spanking new doctor when you reach the age of around 750 is increasingly important for a full-service, competitive 21st century health service’, announced Hunt. ‘In many ways Project TimeLord will just formalise practices which we already impose on our doctors – the expectation that they can be in two places at once, for example and bring on the front line in customer facing roles early evenings on a Saturday.’
Evidence from the Gallifrey pilot has been positive, reported Hunt, with Friends and Family data revealing high levels of patient satisfaction with each of the twelve incarnations of the doctor so far, with the exception, of course, of Sylvester McCoy. Some problems with the new proposals do remain, however, with unions challenging the plans for doctors to work 3 millennia out of every four. Furthermore, Fujitsu, who have been awarded the lucrative ‘One Tardis’ project to install a time machine in every hospital corridor are thought to be behind schedule already with delivery plans.
Hunt also sought to provide reassurances about the scheme after a number of potential problems were highlighted the press. The Gallifrey computer system was hit by an attack from a group known as the CyberMen, who exploited loose and inconsistent story-lines to bring plots to a standstill. Furthermore, hospital overcrowding at Gallifrey has also been a concern, with a chronically ill group of visually impaired patients, the Daleks, accused of ‘stair blocking’ for decades.
Hunt is thought to have been particularly impressed with the Doctors’ physical characteristic of having 2 hearts, which compensates for him being a heartless b@*tard.