“Obviously, try and make it sound as if there’s some principle involved,” said the memo, which was anonymously leaked to a Sunday newspaper. “It’s what makes Britain great; the envy of the world; that kind of thing. Don’t just gloat about how much money you’ve had out of us over the years.”
“After all, contracts can always be renegotiated…” it added menacingly.
Despite this warning, excitable hedgehog Sarah Millican was unhelpfully honest in her defence of the corporation. “Ah mean, f**k me, imagine if people had to think ah was funny for me to get paid. Ah’d ‘ave starved to death years ago, like. But that’s that’s what the BBC thinks should be put out, so here I am now; a big fat comfortable Geordie pudding. Thank you BBC!”
Mrs Brown also expressed the view that the BBC was nothing short of ‘Feckin brilliant’.
An administrative error meant the memo was accidentally sent to Jonathan Ross, whose email someone forgot to take off the system when he was fired in 2010. “I must admit, I used to think the BBC was the central pillar of Bwitish civilisation, our last defence against wubbish like Fox News, CNN and Channel 5,” he told weporters.
“I now wealise it’s just a bunch of over-pwivileged tossers with no connection to the weal world, unlike the west of us,” he smarmed, with a twinkle in his eye that simply screamed ‘talent’.
In other news, Rupert Murdoch and Paul Dacre both published something nasty about ‘the competition’, the Pope mounted a strong defence of the Catholic Church, and a number of bears expressed enthusiasm for the woods, whilst admitting the toilet facilities could be improved.