‘I am privileged to remove the faecal residue left by Mr Nick Robinson from the newsroom toilet bowls of the BBC,’ said Milos Kerar from Slovenia. ‘Mr Robinson is well worth the estimated £175,000 a year he is paid by the licence fee payer, while I earn the London minimum wage of £8.25 an hour, which means Mr Robinson is paid about 60 times what I earn. But with his caustic questions and the obvious eye strain he has suffered while serving the public in the role of Conservative-leaning political interlocutor, he is worth every penny he spends defecating in those publicly funded toilets.’
Amelia Daciana from Romania says she has to clean the desk of Chris Evans, another highly paid star: ‘I get up even earlier than Mr Evans to earn an estimated £15500 a year with overtime to remove this understandably bad tempered man’s chocolate bar wrappings, coffee cups and wonderful creative doodles. But I do not blame the BBC for my low pay compared to that of Mr Shouty. They have employed an agency to pay me so they can rightly wash their hands of any accusation that they are mean. Sometimes I imagine BBC executives washing their hands in this way using the very wash basins I clean at 4am every morning, having got up even earlier than John Humphrys, the longest serving millionaire BBC star, whose mucus-filled tissues I often remove from the bins of the newsroom offices.
‘Fiona Bruce is a lovely person to serve tea to at 930 in the evening, and I also have been employed on the Living Wage hoovering the chair her bottom and other famous and wealthy bottoms have compressed,’ said Anna Diaz from Spain. ‘I don’t think I am breaking any confidentiality by saying Ms Bruce chooses English Breakfast with a dash of skimmed and pays £1.90 of the £190,000 a year she reportedly earns for her tireless and impartial reporting of why Jeremy Corbyn will never be Prime Minister. But she never has a Tunnock’s tea cake. But Fiona’s close friend the justifiably prosperous and totally symmetrical blonde lady Sophie Rayworth often enjoys a chocolate finger, my low waged pals tell me.
Anna continues ‘I realise one day Mrs May, who earns considerably less than Huw Edwards (even though she dresses nicelier) will Brexify me and colleagues like me. I imagine English people will rush forward to reclaim the honour of receiving tax credits and under £8.50 an hour for the privilege of jobs like being a part time low income security guard. That involves endless staring at CCTV screens to protect the valuable life of high-earner Evan Davies, whose portrayal of Dobbie in Harry Potter movies my hungry children so much enjoyed.’