Boris Johnson is to join the cast of Love Island, following a joint announcement from ITV and 10 Downing Street. The Foreign Secretary proclaimed his excitement at the prospect of being let loose amongst what he called ‘a bunch of boobyswaddled slagamuffins’ and was ‘jolly chizzawuzzled’ that it was a genuine island, thus limiting avenues of escapes for the eligible young ladies.
He lamented the lack of live sex in the Parliamentary TV coverage, suggesting politics would be more appealing to the young if Westminster followed the Love Island format more closely. “This would mean all female MPs to wear bikinis at all times, and all male MPs would be required by statute to have full sleeve and neck tattoos, and come from either Essex or Newcastle.”
Betting firms reacted to the news of Johnson’s imminent arrival on Love Island by immediately installing him as 3/1 favourite to win the Margarita sculling challenge, 300/1 outsider to actually cop off with any of the sexy young ladies and even money favourite to be lynched after just two days by his fellow Love Islanders in a primitive Lord of the Flies style ceremony of natural justice.