In outlawing gluten-free bread for Holy Communion, the Bishop of Rome has decreed that an intolerance to wheat is a clear sign of witchery and being unnecessarily fussy about doughnuts. Pope Francis told his assembled cardinals that roasted plantain chips were the ‘work of the devil’ and that all babies should be baptized in a vat of Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier, rolled in flour and cooked in a traditional clay oven.
Remarked one priest: ‘Everyone knows that the body of Christ had a distinctly wheat-like flavour. What next, hmmm? Communion wine replaced with Ribena? Some say we should be tolerant of those with a lifelong autoimmune condition but I say lets burn them in corn-based wicker man!’
The Vatican has long held strict rules on diet, stemming from Jesus’ own adherence to the Atkins diet – avoiding carbs every 40 days and 40 nights. One medieval crusade saw half the population of Jerusalem crucified for an immoral penchant for hummus and sodomy.
Of course, such a ruling could lead to a schism in the Church, similar to when protestant Henry VIII gave up dairy on the advice of his personal trainer. One Bishop whose tolerance was wafer thin, said: ‘The bread itself is converted to the body and blood of Christ through transubstantiation – that’s also how we make sausages’.