The Mayor of Wolverhampton has warned that should Donald Trump’s State visit to the UK include a detour to Wolverhampton, he will not get any red-carpet treatment. Speaking from his Civic Hall office, the Mayor said, ‘Wolverhampton is the Jewel in the Crown of the Black Country, and alright, we want to put the City on the map, but we wo’ be rollin’ out the shag-pile if he comes knockin’ on the door.’
His moves have been backed by the chairman of Oxley Park Golf Club who has refused to tee-off with the President if asked, and the Commanding Officer of the Wolverhampton Sea Cadets, who insists that Mr Trump will not be allowed to address the young cadets at their next Jamboree gathering on the Staffordshire and Worcestershire Canal in December. However, there has been criticism from the Mayor of Dudley, who says that Dudley might step in if Wolverhampton refuses to host any visit by the President.
‘We’ve got the Black Country Museum, Dudley Zoo and more canals than Venice and we can put him up at the Station Hotel which is just opposite the Hippodrome where Melania can have a nice game of bingo with the Mayoress. Plus, as the birthplace of the hilarious Lenny Henry, we think it only fitting to invite a fellow comedian to the town. On top of all that we can trace Mr Trump right back to his roots at Wren’s Nest, a former pre-historic swamp which dried up and gave us the original Dudley Bug, a trilobite fossil with a really tough exoskeleton.’
The Mayor of West Bromwich was unavailable for comment but in a statement addressed to Her Majesty the Queen he said, ‘Wolverhampton aye even in the Black Country so it ain’t fair if he gews there without comin’ ‘ere fust even if they don’t want ‘im, and Dudley can just fuck right off…’